I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
