I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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