I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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