Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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