in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
