thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
