My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
