it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
