idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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