I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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