: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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