So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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