She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
