so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
