i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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