hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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