First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
