I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
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