Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
