My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You can't just leave with hair like that
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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