I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
