Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
