I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
