I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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