3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
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I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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