I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
