Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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