my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
