drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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