Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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