1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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