im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
