I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
