it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
