I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
