omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
