she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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