the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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