Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
