all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
