There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
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Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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