It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
