my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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