you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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