Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
