Sorry, I don't speak sober.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
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the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
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And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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