good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
