I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
