Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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