i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
