btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
