Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
