why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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