Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
