Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Come on in and take your pants off
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