We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
