What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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