You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
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She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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