I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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