I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
