I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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